Life goes on, and we must go on with it. Nothing good ever comes of being the rock in the middle of the river, refusing to roll – You just get eroded away over time, becoming smaller and smaller.
So day to day? Sure we’re coping. Just like when people ask us what its like living in the US vs NZ – It’s much the same, really. You get up you eat breakfast, go to work, got to the market, come home, do some stuff then rinse and repeat. So sure, we’re doing okay in that regard. It’s almost good to have a certain amount of regularity back.
We’re working on breaking the habit of looking in to check up on Joshua every time we walk down the hall. We’re slowly picking things up and putting them in his room as now we know he won’t need them ‘here’ anymore. I’m learning that I don’t need to pick up certain things at the supermarket, and that the seats in the car can now stay back not be moved forward so long legs can fit. Every day it’s little things.
I’ve struggled somewhat the last week – especially since we’ve had cold snowy days (which I usually like). I’ve lots of things to do, but not quite the will to do them. The routine of hospitals and nurse visits had become so ingrained its tough to learn to do without them being the base routine. I’m sure, once I head back to work and have that routine again I will start to find my footing.
Tomorrow would have been Joshua’s 17th Birthday.
I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with that. I’ve enough things planned in the morning to keep my mind off of it. I’m not sure if i’ll be in a total funk, or it’s still too close to his passing that its all jumbled in. Either way, I think we’ll go to Crave and get a burger and an ‘oreo speed wagon’ shake in his honor.
Joshua is, for the want of a better word, comatose. We’ve had no alert reaction since Friday night when the Scott’s brought William and Aiden to say goodbye. Julia & Stace had a couple of open eye moments on Saturday when they visited.
My heart feels big knowing my son has friends with big hearts who wanted to say goodbye in person. That’s a tough, tough thing to do – I can attest to having moments where being in the room seems to hard for me.
He’s having moments of verbalization with a hand to his forehead so we’re increasing pain medication again today. Between the tumors, the hydrocephaly and Joshua’s natural high pain threshold, I can’t even imagine how painful it must be to make him vocalize.
We can only hope that today he manages to let all the pain go.